A sharp knife makes good neighbors

You know what this is
There is nothing it can’t fix.

We’ve had new neighbors move in on either side of us, making this a good time to share some helpful neighbor advice.

As someone who is often loud for a living, I am constantly asked “Do your neighbors ever complain about the noise?” No, they do not. Neighborhood harmony is no accident though–like a helpless baby or desktop operating system, it requires constant attention, or it will eventually just become an enormous smelly pile of its own creation.  Here’s my secret to being a good, loud neighbor:

  1. A couple of days before your new neighbors move in, stop showering.
  2. The day they move in, buy a package of bacon, a couple of cans of bear spray, and one of those small fishtanks. Leave two strips of bacon out on a plate over night.
  3. The evening they move in, eat a bunch of garlic and drink about a pint of Johnny Walker red.
  4. Get up really early the next morning and get on the exercise bike until you start to sweat out the garlic and whiskey.
  5. Apply makeup liberally, before you start to dry off
  6. Put on your tightest jorts, and toss a couple of beers in the fanny pack so that the waistband rides low for maximum cracksposure.
  7. Fill the fishtank, and put in the bacon. It should float, but it’s OK if it doesn’t
  8. Shirt off, one flip-flop on, ammo belt over one shoulder. Bear spray in your pocket, fish tank in your hand.
  9. Ring the bell (earlier in the morning the better) and when they answer, hand them the fish tank. As loud as you can without actually shouting, say  “Hello there new neighbor! Welcome to the neighborhood! We got you a housewarming present!”
  10. Then say “I was just about to bear spray my lawn–you want I should do yours while I’m at it? You don’t bear spray this shit, it starts forgettin’ whose boss and sayin’ the most disrespectful things. Heh.  Anyway, lemme know if you want me to. Only twenty bucks, because we’re neighbors.
  11. Walk back your house, spraying the lawn at random and yelling “How you like me now, you fat sonofabitch?” at the area you just sprayed.

Never had a single noise complaint.

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