Food, money, and the Diet of Excellence

We live, as ever, in straitened times.  And no, that's not a typo.  Look it up.

It's our own damn fault of course.  That much has been made clear. From every bellowing orifice of the body public we are blasted with imprecations of our wasteful ways.  Well, I am here to tell you, this is incorrect and unfair.  Here's why:

MY life is utterly devoid of waste.  I have nothing that I don't absolute need, or at least want, or at least have room for somewhere in the basement.

The problem then, becomes as plain as the nose on your face.  Because the problem, my friends, is with all of you.  It's the only possible answer.  Seriously--I checked me out, and I just couldn't find anything wrong.

But even though this problem does not directly involve me, it's still fairly important.  Economically, it sucks out there, and we all have to tighten our belts.  And no-one needs to do so more than people who are gaining weight.

To that end, I have, out of the goodness of my heart, put together some tips about food, and a Low-Cost Diet of Excellence.  A close reading and following of both will save you money, help you lose weight, and do a great deal towards making you a better person, much as I am.

Using Food Properly

Many nutritionists, gastroenterologists, diet specialists and parents recommend chewing your food 21 times, as it aids digestion and gives your body time more time to realise that it has eaten.  There are a few ways to improve on this and achieve maximum economic benefit:

  •  After you have chewed the food, swallow it.  You will get full faster this way.
  •  After swallowing each mouthful, help make your body aware that you have eaten by shouting "I'm done chewing and it's on its way!" directly at your belly.
  •  Even though you will feel fuller with less food this way, you won't save any money unless you make sure that you don't waste food by having more than you need.

    When cooking at home, prepare your food in advance, and store it in single-mouthful sized containers.  When dining out, stick to restaurants that offer a per-bite menu.
  • Whenever possible, don't chew your food 21 times--chew someone else's food 21 times.  Not only is this less expensive, but in most cases they will let you keep it when you are done.

netdud Low-Cost Diet of Excellence

Here is a great diet that will not only help you save you money, but will also help you get the much sought-after rock star physique.  All the food is readily available and inexpensive.

Many diets offer a varied menu that changes daily.  That is crap.  First of all, it's a lot of work finding and preparing all that stuff.  This diet is MUCH simpler: ONE menu that you just repeat every day.

Secondly, Let's face it, you are on a diet for two reasons:

  1. Food is bad.  You aren't supposed to like it.  Enjoying food just makes you want to eat more of it.
  2. You are bad. This whole mess--your money, your weight--is your fault. You need to know that, you need to internalise that, and you can never forget it. You are a bad person.  You got into this mess because you enjoyed yourself.  Shame on you.

    Remember: The first step to self-improvement is crying, and if you can do it on television, all the better.

OK then!  Good talk!  Let's get started. 

Breakfast
2 slices whole wheat toast
1/4 container egg substitute, scrambled
Just enough instant coffee to make it to work

Morning snack
As much coffee as you can get at work
Anything free in the lunchroom
Lick and seal one box envelopes from stationery cabinet

Lunch
1/2 container egg substitute, mix with coffee whitener from coffee room, microwave for three minutes, cover with ketchup packets from that drawer in the coffee room

Afternoon snack
Lick and seal one box of envelopes from stationery cabinet + eat one for fibre

Dinner
As soon as you get home, tear 4 low-fat process cheese food slices into  1/2 container egg substitute in a large measuring cup. Nuke three minutes, cover with ketchup packets from the back of that one cupboard.

MAKE SURE THAT YOU EAT WHILE WATCHING THE TV! Paying attention to what you are eating just makes you aware of how crappy and unsatisfying it is.  DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO FOOD!

As SOON as you have finished your dinner, drink one 40oz bottle of high-alcohol malt liquour AS FAST AS YOU CAN. High-alcohol malt liquour is an excellent diet aid on a budget, provided that you drink it fast enough, because you will feel sleepy and satisfyingly bloated, and you will not want to eat. 

Finally, turn down the heat, wrap yourself in a couple of damp towels and go to sleep on the bath mat.